Dearest Reader, Every morning, my cat, Hecate, and I engage in what can only be called aggressive petting. I whip out a brush that sprays mist (who would’ve ever thought a cat would ASK for this?), and she basically shouts at me the entire time she runs to and leaps upon the topmost shelf of her kitty condo. Whereupon she spends the next three minutes flopping about like a blissful walrus, chattering constantly, arrrrrrrching into the brush strokes and bonking the device so vigorously she...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Hiya, Reader! Why not kick off the new year with a rant, some terrible health advice, and some luminous fragments of magic? Thanks to Adeline Dimond for the inspiration. What’s Out Like In-Laws Who’ve Way Overstayed Their Welcome The News Because they’re all lying liar faces, and I’m exhausted trying to get to what’s real, so f*ck it, blissful ignorance it is. Social Media Nothing would make me happier than a mass exodus off the platforms because social media is soul-sucking mind control that...
3 months ago • 5 min read
The other day, my dentist told me that while most people need to get their teeth cleaned every six months, I’m so good at brushing that I can go an entire year. I felt like the teacher's pet with a shiny gold star, but at the same time, I left the office certain she says that to all her patients. It wasn't until later, when someone commented, "Whoa, you have an honest dentist," that I realized, Hey, wait. Of course she doesn't just go around telling people they ought to go to the dentist...
4 months ago • 2 min read
My dad had a saying I’ll never forget. You’re not a total f*ck up if you serve as a bad example for someone else. It has comforted me many times as I’ve stood looking down the barrel of yet another #PoorLifeChoice. I’m not a trainwreck; I’m a philanthropist. Who knew all it took was 45 years of doing everything wrong to turn me into a wise old sage? I’ve self-sabotaged, chased dreams that didn’t belong to me, gotten swindled by charlatans and followed advice I hated “because he had a nice...
5 months ago • 2 min read
In 2018, I stopped wearing makeup because the man I was dating said I had an unhealthy need for social validation. (It's hard to read those words now and not set things on fire, in case you're wondering how I'm doing). But back then, keeping pace with LA's beautiful people had burned me out. Even at midnight, the local grocery - dubbed "Rock & Roll Ralphs" because the female patrons toddled down the aisle in four-inch stilettos and latex - was a pickup scene. After 15 years of that, 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼...
6 months ago • 2 min read
“In for four, hold for four, out for four,” the girl at the checkout counter said, not even looking up from the cheekies she was scanning. It was both comforting and unsettling that someone having a panic attack in line at Victoria’s Secret seemed like just another Tuesday to her. I don’t know what burnout looks like for other people. For me, it looked like trying to pretend I wasn’t having a heart attack while buying underwear. It meant sobbing uncontrollably when a sparrow collided with the...
7 months ago • 1 min read
When my best friend was 10 years old, his mom washed his mouth out with soap. It's not the act itself that made a lasting impression, though. It's the fact that in the middle of his punishment, the phone rang. With a stern warning to my bestie not to move a muscle, she went to answer it. My friend waited obediently, drool coursing down his chin onto his t-shirt, crying silent tears for five minutes. Then ten. Then twenty. It took her other son tugging at her sleeve, eyes wide with pity for...
7 months ago • 1 min read
I know what you're thinking, Reader. Who's this stranger in my house? And by house, I mean inbox. And by stranger, I mean someone who looks a lot like an old friend who's "had some work done." And you wouldn't be wrong; there's been a major overhaul in this corner of the Internet. Only it didn't require a scalpel and six month's salary. My brand, Jennie O'Connor Creative, got a facelift. From the rebranded newsletter you see above 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 To the retired podcast, the best episodes of which will...
8 months ago • 1 min read
I just booked a trip to NOLA, and this time I will not: Drink hot vodka out of a flask at two in the afternoon. Fall in love with a psychopath and move cross-country to be his girlfriend. Lose my wallet and scramble to board a plane without ID. Old me didn't listen too well to my hunches. My mantra back then was apparently: If you're not experiencing cognitive dissonance, are you even living? Six years later, my inner compass has stopped doing me dirty, though. These days, my spidey senses...
about 1 year ago • 1 min read